No Fair!

Wednesday morning I stood holding my toddler in my arms in front of a car blocking its progress for the entirety of a green light cycle.  What led me to do such an act of insanity?

Tuesday night I listened to episode 672 of This American Life entitled No Fair!  It’s a podcast on my regular rotation, but Jason had highlighted this episode for me in particular.  And it brought my whole life into perspective.  All I’ve ever wanted is for life to be fair.  And in the many, many instances when it is not (because life just really isn’t fair)…I want to change the ship.  I want to right the wrong.  I want to be heard.  I want to be validated.  I want justice!  

With that thought fresh in my psyche here came Wednesday morning.  I was in momma bear mode walking my daughters to school when a driver pulled directly into the crosswalk, blocking our ease to pass.  We only have to cross one particularly busy commuter road on our way to school and this was it.  I caught eye contact with the driver and asked her to reverse enough to let us safely by.  There was plenty of room as the driver behind her could see our discussion and left space. The driver rolled down her window and said she would not reverse and that we could pass in the street in front of her car.  I asked her again to backup.  She refused. 

And that is when I stood in front of her car holding my two year old as the light turned from red – to green – to yellow – to red again.  She honked and yelled obscenities at me.  I walked away without another word or look after the light cycle.  I know it was a foolish and dangerous act.  My sense of wanting the driver to do the right thing, or be punished for choosing not to, won over.  In choosing my actions I scared my older daughter as she watched from the sidewalk and I consoled her the rest of our walk to school.   

Now here I am a day later with that moment still at the top of my mind.  It’s made me fragile.  Has the driver thought anymore about that moment?  Will she choose a different action next time?  Will she yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk more often or less often now?  Maybe. Maybe not.  

That moment led to a little ripple effect where I felt slighted at a few other moments over the past two days.  I need this at times; to blast my fire-filled kali nature for justice, for fairness, for a voice of power, and to stand my ground.  I want my daughters to have the same fire and to stand up for themselves. I will continue to work on my when, where and why to blast. I wouldn’t choose that moment again.

After the dual fire and fragility of these moments I came home and rolled out my yoga mat.  I’ve practiced intensely in the past two days. Yesterday I matched fire with fire in my poses and today I wept a bit and practiced softly.  I’m helping myself back to balance, always grateful I have my yoga tool.