It's A New Dawn
“It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good”
I haven’t stopped singing since listening to John Legend’s soul stirring rendition of Feeling Good during the Inaugural Celebration last night.
On January 1st I taught a yoga class focused on the word Faith. I was willing my faith in myself, my faith in love, my faith in a higher power, my faith in our nation to shine through. I’ve recited Helen Keller’s words daily this month…
““Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.””
But I was barely making it in the darkness. I was crawling on hands and knees. The insurrection at our U.S. Capitol – just twelve blocks from our home – brought focus to my darkness. I sat in my anger, my fear, and my sadness for a good week. So many will say ok this happened today and now we must tackle the issue the next day. This time sitting in it proved necessary.
I gave myself permission to be out of balance and just to feel – no quick fix. I let go of my cardio and strength focused routines. My body couldn’t do it. I told my classes I didn’t have words of peace, inspiration or courage. These are the reasons I practice regularly – because when it’s dark the poses do the work.
Over the next week I was mad at everything. I screamed at myself, my children, my husband. One day I yelled F*CK at the top of my lungs and smashed a white board on the floor. Jason said he could count on one hand how many times I’ve said that word in the 18 years we’ve been together (my momma taught me better), so you know things were bad.
And then the security fences went up all around our city. The perimeter formed just blocks from our home. The darkness was closing in more and more and I knew we had to get out. We fled with our covid pod to a cabin in the woods. It gave me space to reflect on how I could best move our family forward.
It was time to welcome a new dawn. I sent out an SOS signal. I am hurting and I need help – faith that the answer would come.
When we came back from the woods, I put our stimulus check to good use and signed Luna up for a daycare program a few days a week. Today I listened to a conversation between Brene Brown and Melinda Gates where they talked about the visual of a mobile in a child’s nursery. If one piece is heavier than the others, they are all out of balance. You are all screwed.
In our society and true in our family, the mother’s piece is the heaviest. The family system collapses. Like so many moms I had been white knuckling it for months and you could see the cracks in everyone. I preach a good line of self care and there is much I do well, but there is also much I do not. The image of this mobile really clicks for me. If I help myself, I can help us all and paying for childcare is what will help us all. As the health pandemic continues, I am wagering mental well-being as our keystone.
Yesterday our family popped popcorn and watched the Inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. The darkness began to lift.
I was shaken to tears throughout the day first as we watched the first woman become Vice President and then as President Biden’s address became a sermon acknowledging a nation in grief, but glory for the better angels of our democracy. I stood in awe as the national youth poet laureate Amanda Gorman recited her poem “The Hill We Climb.” All 723 words are masterpiece. I share again just this one paragraph and urge you to read the full poem over and over again.
““But while democracy can be periodically delayed, it can never be permanently defeated. In this truth, in this faith we trust, for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us. This is the era of just redemption. We feared it at its inception. We did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour, but within it, we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves.”
Wow. How good is that! I ended the evening dancing in joy with the many performances that stood in for what would regularly have been an evening of Inaugural balls. I felt the rumble in our home as the sky lit up with more fireworks than I’ve ever seen. A literal light in the darkness. It’s coming through!
We are still in the midst of a global health pandemic. We are still in the midst of social upheaval that will no longer go ignored. And also, we are a family, a nation, a people, that can grieve and grow. We will walk alongside one another.
I’m feeling it big time this week my friends. The light is creeping through. We can do this. Keep the faith and send out your SOS if you are trapped in the darkness.