'Cause I gotta have faith

It’s been a season of uncertainty in our household.  Each time the dust starts to settle, another windstorm has come along to keep us guessing. My last blog was about neighborhood trauma amidst an uptick in gun related violent crime.  Since then a few more scary incidents have re-ignited our fears, but step-by-step I’m learning to walk again in faith.

 My first big surrender came through naming my fear and telling others I felt unsafe in our community. I felt a panic attack setting in as I walked to teach my Sunday morning yoga class about a month ago.  I wanted to turn away, but I stood in front of my students and fully cried as I opened class and admitted that I was shook by recent violent crimes in our neighborhood.  I told them I needed to feel the soul of my community again.  We faced each other that day as we moved through our yoga poses.  We sweated, we smiled, we cried, and we rested together.  I received a dozen hugs after class.  It was a transformational moment that I’ve gained strength from everyday since. I had every opportunity to ask someone else to teach or to cancel class that day.  But instead I trusted that the students would be ok seeing my vulnerability.  

And so I started with that. With being ok with sticking myself out a little bit more.  A few days after that I was in the toy section of a store with my kids and noticed an out of place book entitled The Universe Has Your Back:  Turning Fear to Faith by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I took that as a sign and bought the book.  I’ve read, re-read, post-it marked and highlighted just about every word.  I’ll be using some of the guidance from the book in my upcoming yoga workshops and trainings.

For several years I’ve worn a ring that says “believe” to remind me to trust in God.  I had gotten small and faulted to believe in the little self.  As I twist my way back, I’ve also leaned back to my upbringing in the church.  I’m not sure where I’ll land, but I’m happy and find it essential to be in daily conversation with my faith.

During this period our Washington Nationals went on an awe-inspiring post season run and won the World Series.  You may think this trivial, but the underdog coming out on top brought such a since of love and pride to our town that carried our family a very long way back to lean into the joy.

My renewed faith has allowed me to take proactive steps to build our sense of safety.  Small steps like going back to my regular neighborhood walking routes instead of avoiding a block where crime had occurred.  And bigger steps like meaningfully engaging neighbors on the topic, attending gun sense meetings, beginning trauma support counseling, and advocating for more trauma support and resource officers in our schools.

I’m finding my flow again. I’m touching more deeply to faith and as always doing all that I can do to be the change I want to see in the world. I share these words in hopes it brings light to your direction as well.