I've been meaning to...

I’ve been meaning to blog more in 2020.  I’ve been meaning to connect more in 2020.  I’ve been meaning to run more, to do more yoga, to be present more.  I’ve been meaning to respect myself more, but I haven’t.  Or I kind of have, but I haven’t.  One day here, one day there…but mostly no days here or there.  

It’s like a sad Dr. Seuss book.  I’ve been meaning to do more. I’ve been trying to feel better, to be happier.  I tried to feel better at first by drinking less alcohol.  That was good and after a (mostly) dry January, I’ve had less overall.  But it was really just a competition with myself and I didn’t ‘get better’ afterwards.  

I tried committing to a morning meditation practice.   It worked-ish, but a bunch of junk still kept getting in my way. Big surprise it wasn’t a cure all. It didn’t '“fix” me.  

I’d been meaning to run more and so I did.  I ran and I ran just like my schedule demanded to get ready for the Cherry Blossom 10 miler.  The race that I was notified I’d “won the lottery for” and charged my entry fee the day I landed myself in the hospital last December.  I ran for that race because I’d been meaning to do it, because it was what I told myself I was supposed to do.  I was running even when it was hard to breathe and even when I knew it was diminishing my health.

Finally I stopped.  I stopped and I sobbed.  I stopped and I went mostly inward and sometimes outward.  I stopped and I vented to my husband and my mom.  I vented about my health and the image of me I attach to it. I vented at the people I thought didn’t see me or hear me.  I vented at me.  I came up with this mantra of respect to get myself to wake up.  To choose me.  It is a struggle and I’ve been meaning to do better.  But I think, I might, yes, I am done with meaning to do it.  

And now I’m not meaning to do anything.  I’m not meaning to do it right, or full, or whatever.  Instead I’m just doing it.  

Right now I’m going on walks, not runs, to clear my head and feel better.  

Right now I’m doing a long yoga asana practice one day, but maybe not the next.

Right now I’m enjoying a morning meditation practice many days, but not everyday.

Right now I’m sharing my truth.

Right now I’m doing what I want.  

Right now I’m moving in my own rhythm.

Right now I’m doing me. 

Right now I’m leaning into love and faith and happiness.

And that feels a lot like I’m respecting others and myself more in all my words and actions.  It feels a lot like happiness in this everyday. My old friend happiness…so nice to see you.